4 Reasons Why New Year’s Resolutions Don’t Stick (and 4 Tips That Actually Create Change)

The Familiar January Cycle

Every January, my husband and I note how crowded the gym is for the first few weeks until most people predictably fade away from their new year’s resolutions, and the gym is once again fairly empty. This pattern has much less to do with lack of discipline or motivation than it does with unreasonable expectations about how change actually works.

In fact, most resolutions fail not because we don’t want change badly enough—but because they’re built on pressure instead of understanding and support.

Reasons most resolutions FAIL:

1. They are often rooted in Self-Criticism, NOT Self-Understanding

Many resolutions are driven by an internal message of “not enough”:

• I should be better.
• Something is wrong with me.

Unfortunately, when change is built on shame, it merely creates short bursts of motivation, followed by burnout or avoidance. Shame activates threat responses in the nervous system, which in turn shuts down curiosity, flexibility, and long-term change.

2. They focus on behavior, NOT the patterns that drive behavior

• “Go to the gym.”
• “Stop procrastinating.”

Changing behavior is top down change. It’s like addressing a symptom vs the underlying cause, such as taking a look at:

• What does my current behavior help me cope with?
• What need isn’t being met?

Keep in mind, we can’t apply a solution until we have identified the real problem.

3. Resolutions tend to ignore the Nervous System

Willpower assumes we’re operating from a calm, regulated state, when in reality most of us (especially just after the holidays) are actually:

As a result, we soon learn that we can’t force consistency from a nervous system that’s running on empty. And when we don’t have the bandwidth to keep up with our goals, it leaves us feeling even more burned out and frustrated.

They’re Built on “All-or-Nothing” Thinking

The unrealistic expectations and perfectionism many of us already struggle with can often set us up for failure.

What Actually Creates Lasting Change

1. Change Begins with Safety, Not Pressure

Sustainable change requires feeling emotionally safe—not constantly evaluated. And this safety allows us to explore with curiosity and self-compassion.

Consider:

“What would change look like if it came from a place of self-care instead of self-criticism?”

Actionable TIP: Replace Resolutions with Intentions

Ask yourself: What quality do I want more of this year—not what do I want to eliminate?

To help facilitate this, I incorporate gentle reminders of my intentions into my daily life. For example, if I’ve set the intention of improving my patience, I might update my passwords to incorporate a keyword or phrase that suggests being patient.

2. Understanding the Pattern Comes Before Changing the Pattern

Before changing behavior, it helps to understand the context of why we do what we do. Get curious about:

Keep in mind, awareness is not a passive move, rather it is the foundation of change.

Actionable TIP: Track Patterns, Not Perfection

Instead of: Did I succeed or fail?

Try asking yourself:

• “What got in the way?”
• “What is the unmet need?”
• “What helped—even a little?”

Understanding the good reasons we do what we do can help us be more deliberate about our behavior patterns. For example, if I’m reaching for that extra cookie because my body needs a reward, I can look for other ways of “treating” myself that satisfy that urge.

3. Small, sustainable shifts have a greater impact than big goals

Consider the relative effectiveness of the following strategies for growth.

Shrink the Change Until It Feels Almost Too Easy. Remember, if resistance is high, the goal is too big. For example:

• Start by committing to 5 minutes of movement each day instead of a full workout
• Add one simple boundary instead of a complete life overhaul
• Strive for one honest conversation instead of “fixing” the relationship

Actionable TIP: Set Process Goals, Not Outcome Goals.

For example:

Outcome: “Lose 20 pounds.”
Process: “Move my body in ways that feel supportive.”

Outcome: “Be happier.”
Process: “Check in with my emotional needs once a day.”

Note how it feels in your body when you adjust your expectations to attainable and sustainable goals. Ease builds trust with yourself. You’re rebuilding a relationship with yourself—not issuing ultimatums.

4. Change Is Relational, Not Just Personal

We regulate, heal, and change best in safe relationships. This is part of why support groups and accountability partners are so helpful. We get to lean into one another for strength and support.

• Support increases follow-through.
• Isolation increases self-criticism and collapse.

Actionable TIP: Get Support When You Keep Hitting the Same Wall

• Repeating cycles aren’t moral failures.
• They’re often unhealed patterns asking for attention.

We are not meant to navigate life alone. We are stronger when we have the support of others.

A New Way to Think About Change

Real change doesn’t happen on January 1st. It happens slowly, relationally, and with compassion.

You don’t need a new version of yourself. You need a healthier relationship with yourself.

Because lasting change isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about learning how to care for yourself differently.

Additional Resources:

• Meet with a Therapist
• Self-Trust Over Self-Reliance
• Why Life Transitions Feel Hard