Anatomy of a Fight: What is Happening Below the Surface
The Tip of the Iceberg
A fight generally begins with some sort of prompting event or trigger. This is generally some sort of visible behavior that generates a response in us. It might be something in their body language or tone, a word or gesture. Think of it as the part of the fight you see, the tip of the iceberg.
What Are We Really Fighting About?
Our immediate reaction happens below the surface. It is how we are making meaning of what just happened. That prompting event triggers thoughts almost immediately. In that moment what (is the story) are we telling ourselves about ourselves, our partner, and our relationship? And how does that make us feel? Our thoughts and feelings lead to an urge to react. Depending on the emotions we are experiencing and their intensity we are most likely going to feel flooded.
How Do We Typically React?
Often these thoughts and feelings are experienced as a threat to our overall sense of peace and security in the relationship. The urge to react in turn shows up as a fight flight freeze response to that real or perceived threat. Our nervous system has a built-in mechanism to regulate the intensity of our thoughts and emotions by processing them either by internally sorting through them or by organizing them as we share them with a partner. You may be aware of your natural tendency for action. Do you feel the need to stay engaged in conflict in a panicked attempt to resolve the issue and get back to connection? Or do you feel the impulse to get away from the pain of conflict and/or avoid it at all costs in an attempt to restore peace and security?
A Different Point of View
Now let’s think about what might be happening for your partner in these moments? Your fight/flight/freeze response becomes triggering event for your partner. They then proceed through the above steps with their own vulnerable thoughts, feelings and urge to react. Chances are you are even more aware of your partner’s knee-jerk reaction, or observable behavior, than your own. And their response may look very different than ours. When we pursue for resolution or connection our partner typically withdraws to create safety and security (or vice versa). One response is not better than the other, it is simply an example of how our minds and bodies are designed to restore balance to an overstimulated and threatened nervous system and a disconnected relationship.
Why Does It Seem Like We Keep Having the Same Fight Over and Over Again?
As implied above, this process can create a negative cycle. My feelings are hurt by how I interpreted your behavior, I react in a way that prompts insecure feelings in you and react in a way that confirms my original hurt or insecure feelings. We each continue in this manner without ever effectively communicating our deeper feelings and needs to our partner. Thus our needs are not getting met.
Breaking the Cycle
How do we break this cycle? First, we claim our own moves. I become aware of what is happening for me in the moment of conflict or disconnection and then identify unmet need(s) and ask for them to be met. This process requires some time and space, at least a few minutes maybe more, to process. Once we are in a better place to softly communicate our deeper thoughts and feelings and ask for our unmet needs to be met, then our partner will be better able to receive them gently and respond with empathy, care, love and support.
What is My Role?
Just like we each contribute to our negative cycle, we each have a role in creating a new, more productive cycle of interaction. Our roles not only differ, but also correspond with our typical knee jerk reactions. One partner will typically call a “time-out” recognizing the need for time and space to process. This opportunity for emotional regulation is a vital step for both partners and for the relationship. The other partner will feel the urge to “follow through” or resolve the issue. This equally essential step allows us to repair and reconnect.
How to Get to the Conversations We Really Want to Have?
Make the most of the time out–rather than just collecting yourself–get clear about how you are making meaning of what just happened during the moments of conflict/disconnection? Discern what those thoughts and emotions are trying to tell you about a real or perceived threat to your sense of self, your relationship or your feelings of peace and security. Then consider what was the conversation we really want or need to have? Having this conversation is a repair and reconnect. We are vulnerable in sharing our deepest thoughts/feelings and wants/needs and we hold space for our partner to do the same. When we feel heard and understood and have a reasonable/consistent expectation that our needs can/will be met, then we can let go of our knee jerk reactions and be more intentional/deliberate reactive in our interactions breeding trust, closeness and care/love/support.
This process is simple yet requires MUCH skill and practice till it becomes second nature. If you would like help as you learn and practice a new way of interacting reach out to a couples therapist
Written by: Valerie Southwick LPC
Edited by: Lauren Maddox